Relating to Parents
Introduction
Honor and Reverence may sound archaic, vestigial
values from a lost past. This unit on parents, however, actually
explores a number of values critical in the moral development of
young people. It might be useful to highlight the values in a
dialectical fashion. That is, authority versus autonomy or obedience
versus self-expression, or loyalty versus individuality, or communal
self versus lonely self.
The family is, after all, a laboratory where the
experience of dependency is explored. The challenge of the family
unit is to allow individuals to feel and act dependent without being
infantilized, humiliated, or demeaned. The family either teaches that
dependency and dignity cannot coexist, or, that needs may be
acknowledged without fear of abuse.
The units are laid out historically revealing
perhaps a growing appreciation for individual autonomy in the
framework of honor/reverence demanded by the tradition.
Consider what experiences you have had in your
life with honor and reverence. We will be studying material from the
Hebrew Bible, and the Talmud.
The Torah: The Ten Commandments (Exodus
20:2-14)
1. I am the Lord your God ...
2. No other gods besides Me.
3. No false oaths in God's name .
4. Remember the Sabbath day .
your neighbor .
5. Honor your father and mother .
6. You shall not murder.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. No false witness against your neighbor.
10. Do not covet your neighbor.
Your Torah Navigator
The Hebrew Bible presents two separate commandments regarding the relationship between
parents and children. The first is found within the Ten
Commandments (Exodus 20)
listed above. This ten part legislation is often regarded as the
essence of Western morality. These ten statements have been studied
as linked pairs, five etched on one tablet and five on the other, for
many years.
1. What connections can you discern between the
paired elements?
2. And most importantly what connection is there between the summons
to honor your parents and the warning not to envy your neighbor?
3. What is problematic about envy?
The second commandment regarding parents appears
in Leviticus 19, a section
often called "the Holiness Code." To wit:
The Torah: Leviticus
19:1-2
The Lord spoke to Moses, saying: Speak to the
whole Israelite community and say to them:
You shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy.
You shall each revere his mother and his father, and keep My
Sabbaths:
I the Lord am your God.
Do not turn to idols or make molten gods for yourselves: I the Lord
am your God.
This chapter of the Hebrew Bible culminates in the
most famous commandment of the Bible, namely,
Love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord
(Leviticus 19:18).
Holiness seems to begin with reverence for parents
and end with love for the neighbor.
Your Torah Navigator
1. Can you detect a difference between those of
your friends who love and respect their parents and those who dislike
and disrespect their parents?
2. How would you distinguish honoring parents from revering parents?
3. Why in discussing honor does "father" come first while
in discussing reverence "mother" comes first?
4. Why does the Hebrew Bible not explicitly command parents to take
care of, nurture and love their children?
5. What is the connection between the commandment to revere parents
and the commandment in the same verse to "keep my
Sabbaths?"
The Talmud - Tractate Kiddushin 30b - 3la
Our Rabbis taught: there are three partners in
every person, the Holy One Blessed be He, the father and the mother.
When a person honors his father and his mother, the Holy One Blessed
be He says, "I view them as though I had dwelt among them and
they had honored Me."
Rabbi (Judah the Prince) used to teach, "It is well known to the
One who spoke and the world came into existence (i.e. God) that a son
honors his mother more than his father because she sways him with
words.
Therefore the Holy One Blessed be He placed the
honor of the father before that of the mother. It is well known to
the One who spoke and the world came into existence that a son
reveres his father more than his mother because he teaches him Torah.
Therefore the Holy One Blessed be He put the fear of the mother
before that of the father."
Your Talmud Kiddushin
Navigator
1. The Talmud links honor due parents with honor
due God. What meaning do you find in this linkage?
2. Rabbi seems to think that honoring mother and revering father are
natural responses in a child.
3. Do you agree?
Talmud, Tractate Kiddushin 31B
Our Rabbis taught: What is "revere" and
what is "honor?" "Revere" means that the son must
neither stand in his father's place nor sit in his place, nor
contradict his words nor [even] support his words [when he is arguing
with another sage]. "Honor" means that he must give him
food and drink, clothe and cover him, lead him in and out.
Your Talmud Kiddushin
Navigator
1. In "revere" the son seems small, the
father large, the gap between them profound. Why is this relation
associated with the command to fear?
2. In "honor" the son seems strong, the father frail, the
gap between them gone. Why is this relation associated with the
command to honor?
Kiddushin 31B
Rabbi Yochanan said: Happy is he who has never set
eyes upon his parents. [Because it is impossible to honor them
adequately, and one is punished for failures -- Rashi]. When Rabbi
Yochanan was conceived, his father died; when he was born, his mother
died...
Your Talmud Kiddushin
Navigator
Why might the obligation to honor a parent seem to
a sage to be beyond his ability to perform?
A Word
The Talmud defines honor as caring while revere is defined as what we might call
respect. In one sense, when we become the caregivers for our parents,
we are admonished not to treat them as we would our children. We may
be caring for them in similar ways and even though we are obliged to
do so, we respect them as if they were still the caregivers.
The Talmud cautions us to remember that although certain duties have become the
child's the child never becomes a parent to his parents. The fact
that the parent was a partner in our creation looms so large that it
is impossible--according to Rabbi Yochanan--to honor them adequately.
The Torah admonishes us to try in concrete ways.
Prepared by Jim Ponet
Sources: Rabbi Avi Weinstein, Director, Hillel's
Joseph Meyerhoff Center for Jewish Learning. Reprinted with
permission. |